Discussion or Dialogue?

It Depends On Your Goal.

The team was talking about how to market the new service. It had been months developing it. Initial testing had been successful. It could make a real difference for their clients and be a specialty service making money for the company. 

Shantelle, Max, and SuYung were supposed to come up with the most effective marketing solution. On the round table where they had gathered laid folders and templates each had brought with them. Ideas were being tossed around.  SuYung came with the latest marketing research. They had been colleagues long enough to be able to tease each other as they worked. 

Suddenly, Max’s face grew dark. He excused himself. Shantelle and SuYung could only look at each other, confused. What just happened?

Shantelle was the team leader and a skilled communicator. She found Max sitting outside on a bench, scrolling through his phone.

“May I?” she asked gently, motioning to the seat next to him on the bench.

Max shrugged his shoulders and nodded his assent. 

Shantelle sat quietly. She waited.

“Shantelle,” Max spoke softly after several minutes, “I know what I heard isn’t what was said, but it pierced me right to the heart. It reminded me of . . . “

And Max told his story as Shantelle listened. She didn’t interrupt as he spoke. She allowed moments of silence as he remembered and thought through his pain. She didn’t offer any solutions or false consolations. She didn’t have any advice to give him. She listened. In time, Max discovered the answer he was seeking–inside himself with his own inherent wisdom. 

Discussion or Dialogue?

There is a time and place for each one. It depends on what outcome you desire.

Discussion

Discussion comes from the Latin dis- “apart” + quatere “to shake” or “break apart.” You “shake apart” the options to make your best decision. Consider “con-cussion” and “per-cussion.”

It’s valuable when you are testing out a new idea. For example,

“What are the advantages and disadvantages of this proposal?”
“What happens if we move the furniture around this way or that way?”
“Why should we grill with gas rather than charcoal?”

That’s where discussion is a helpful exercise. It is a time to gather information. Evaluate options. Anticipate what the results might be.  

Discussion can certainly have passion in it but tends to be a more rational conversation. It is an opportunity to test various ideas and opinions. You can gather information and try it out on other people to analyze different consequences. Sometimes it is just playful bantering. Other times it helps discern an important action. 

Dialogue

Dialogue goes deeper. It still holds true to its original Greek meaning. It comes from dia “across, between” + logos “meaning or word.” As Kay Lindahl described in her classic book, Practicing the Sacred Art of Listening, “A “dialogue is a flow of meaning through words in which new understandings emerge that might not have been present before. It is done in a spirit of inquiry–wanting to know. We look for shared meaning beyond our individual understanding.” *

Dialogue requires deep listening. Its emphasis is the heart. What drives another person to act and believe as they do? What are the underlying concerns or joys compelling them toward a decision or keeping them from it? 

We Don’t Do Much Listening

Most of our conversations are superficial and require little real listening. As we track what the other person is saying, usually we are looking for the point of commonality where we can talk about a similar experience we’ve had. Maybe we want to share something we know about the topic. It looks more like a game of volleyball, hitting the ball back and forth to each other. Sometimes someone scores a point. 

Think about how others have listened to you when they have an agenda. They want you to buy from them or just agree with you about a decision they’ve made. They seem to be listening to your words just for the opportunity to jump in with what they want to say. Maybe they’re listening for a word or phrase you say that triggers a point they want to make. There might even be a “gotcha” moment when they think they’ve got you right where they want you. 

Consider your own listening habits. If you’re like me, there are times when we’re hardly listening at all. Our minds wander. We think about the other things we need to get done. Read some mail on the desk. That goes better, of course if the other person can’t see us. 

But the problem with poor listening is we cheat ourselves and our clients when we don’t listen. Crass capitalism doesn’t care about that. Compassionate capitalism demands deep listening. It calls for real dialogue that genuinely cares about the other person. 

Dialogue Creates Real Relationships

If you want a long-term relationship with your clients or customers, if you want them to trust you and like you, listen to them. Real listening helps you get to know them in their humanness. And they get to connect with you in a more human way. You are not just roles talking to each other. You are people caring about each other. 

Dialogue with deep listening touches hearts. You can build relationships. It’s a way to remind yourself we’re human beings together, helping each other out. What was superficial and even artificial, becomes deep and genuine. Dialogue with true listening finds shared meaning with each other. It broadens our understanding of the other and of ourselves. Trust among people grows. 

This sacred kind of listening comes from the heart. Our egos have to be set aside. Our personal agenda is unimportant. We leave our assumptions for the time. The only goal is to listen. Listen with humility and openness. Without expectations. 

Just listen.

I invite you to . . .

1) Do some honest self-reflection on how often you choose discussion and how often you choose dialogue.
2) Do you really care about your clients and customers or are you using them to make money?
3) When do your assumptions and opinions interfere with you ability to listen deeply to colleagues and customers?

As a spiritual director with a graduate certificate, Carmala is able to help you learn to listen to your clients and customers. As a business writer, she is able to translate what she hears from you–and what you hear from your clients–into language they connect with. Contact her at carmala@carmalaaderman.com or check out her website.

*Lindahl, Kay. Practicing the Sacred Art of Listening, Skylight Paths Publishing, Woodstock, Vermont. 2003. Pg 48.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]